It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post. Some readers might think I’ve deserted this website. I haven’t. Regular readers have probably wandered off to find more interesting (and active) blogs to read. That’s fine.
I guess the question on everyone’s lips (if, indeed, anyone still visits) would probably be “is she really going to give up writing?” If I had to answer that, I’d have to say “more than likely”. But that isn’t a definite answer, is it?
Having written that, I find myself sitting and pondering my own words – “more than likely”. I feel nothing when I say that. No fear. No loss. No desire. Nothing. After all those years of writing, I would expect to feel something…sadness, at least…but I feel nothing. I still have no desire to write. I don’t have stories or characters running around in my mind and it’s peaceful. I like it.
I’ve had a few people urge me to turn my attention back to the plans I had for Suicide: A Mother’s Story. They feel it’s a project that needs to be written. It is a topic that is worthwhile and as suicide is on the increase, it needs to be published and people of all ages need to be aware of the signs and dangers. One person even went as far as to say that my personality isn’t suited to writing fantasy stories. They said I’m a practical person who works systematically and has a rather black and white thought pattern. It might sound like a bit of an insult, but I have to admit it’s true.
Maybe this person is right. Maybe I’m ready to move on from make believe and find a place in reality. I can actually see the sense in that as it fits with what I’ve written in earlier posts about need and desire.
Thing is, when I think of Suicide: A Mother’s Story I think of a huge project, filled with emotion, which is daunting. I can face the emotion; it’s a necessary part of such a manuscript. Without it, the words would mean nothing. That’s not the problem. Writing about what happened isn’t a problem either. I’ve already done that and for this project all I have to do is expand on that. It’s the suicide awareness part of the project that feels really daunting. I can’t stand the thought of giving false information and that is the main thing that is stopping me from returning to the project. The other thing is the fact that for me to tell my story I have to refer to the other people involved and … well, that is worrying me also.
Anyway, when I look at my words – “more than likely” – again, it seems that I might be saying that it’s more than likely that I’m finished with fantasy. Has reality finally won the battle?